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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25389751">Death of Me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/nagemeikenu/pseuds/nagemeikenu'>nagemeikenu</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Heavy Angst, Interrupted suicide attempt, M/M, Nymphadora Tonks takes no bullshit, Post-Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Remadora, Remus is a sad boi, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Notes, budding remadora?, but not established Remadora, by which I mean not a sad ending</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 12:14:49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,597</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25389751</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/nagemeikenu/pseuds/nagemeikenu</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After Dumbledore's funeral, Remus is feeling like the war is already lost. Content warnings for the following: suicidal ideation, suicide note, grief, Depression.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Remus Lupin/Nymphadora Tonks, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Wolfstar Hurt Fest</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Death of Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Shout out to <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chromat1cs/pseuds/Chromat1cs"> Chromat1cs </a>, who beta'd this fic for me and helped me make it so much better than it was! My prompt was number 15: Songfic/inspired by the song "Death of Me" by Daughtry. Requests/Comments: Do whatever with it!<br/>Hope y'all enjoy reading, this fic and the others in this marvelous WS Hurt Fest!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Remus stumbled into Grimmauld Place, which was darker now than ever before. He didn’t quite have anywhere else to go, and Merlin knew Harry needed someone to keep the house until he was ready. In any case, it was headquarters. He simply didn’t have any energy left. There were others there, toasting Dumbledore now that the funeral was over. Well, he’d had enough death in his life, didn’t he? He ought to be able to take this on the chin by now. Had he built up no resilience whatsoever since the first war, since Sirius? Of course, he really ought to factor in that he was weaker than most, less able to cope with life in general. That was why there was a gaping hole that Sirius had left. That was why he was so hollow now, hollow like the bones of this house, devoid of light and love. Remus wished he wasn’t so unable to see any kind of hope in this new war, this new battle. Soldiers needed hope, and Sirius had been his.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could remember Sirius’ funeral. The dreary air had blown right through him, made his heart as cold as that morning. Harry had been silent, unemotional. Remus understood, for he had been the same. For a bit, they’d sat together, remembering the best parts of the man they both loved. Molly had called them in, he could hear her calling him now as he stood in the hall. Remus wished he had the wherewithal to know whether she was actually there in the kitchen or if the memory was simply too vibrant. Well, it didn’t matter. He didn’t have the energy to reply.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He trudged up the stairs, the screams from Walburga Black seeming more like ambient noise than the horrible disruption it actually would have been if…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Did it matter? Did anything fucking matter? He couldn’t see how. Their leader who knew everything was gone, killed by someone he’d been made to trust. As it happened, Harry had been right. Severus was a traitor, and Dumbledore was fallible. If Dumbledore was so fallible, only a man instead of the hero Remus had needed, there was little hope for the rest of them. How awful was it that the young ones saw things so much clearer than their elders, the ones meant to guide them? Who was guiding whom?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus could see Sirius as he was at eighteen, ready and raring to fight and die gloriously. Well, Sirius’ death had waited but happened just as he’d expected it to at eighteen. He could still see him. Remus could see his lover sending jinxes and hexes and dodging just as he had when they were fighting the first war. It was as if nothing had changed, and then he’d gone through the veil. He’d simply vanished. There was no body to bury, no face to give a last goodbye. That had ripped Remus in two; he hadn’t even been able to say a last </span>
  <em>
    <span>I love you</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Here they were again, same fight, same fiery youths determined to make a difference. Merlin, these young ones weren’t even of age. Harry and the other two would be soon, while Ginny was still more than a year off. What were they thinking? How were he and the other adults going to guide them through this? If he were them, he wouldn’t listen to a damn thing any adult said. They’d all been let down. Snape knew their moves, knew their everything. How were they meant to continue? He supposed Moody was in the most control, and that was worrying indeed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>How the bloody hell were they going to win this? He knew, one way or another, he would not survive another war. This time, he didn’t have his youthful faith, he didn’t have his younger self’s determination, he didn’t have </span>
  <em>
    <span>Sirius</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and he didn’t even have Dumbledore anymore. He had fuck all, and anything he did would have been forfeit anyway.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t deserve to have anything worthwhile, being who he was. It wouldn’t be fair to hold onto anything light, anything good. That light would be plunged into his own darkness, the darkness he’d never been able to banish. It was foolish to think anything different would happen, and Remus Lupin was everything but a fool. Dumbledore had taught him too well for that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>How fitting. Just when he’d thought he could possibly get through, maybe even get some kind of a good life, everything went to pieces and showed him it was impossible. He’d looked at someone, just looked, and even that would be taken away now. She was too bright, too free, too young, if he was being honest. The colors she brought to the world were too vibrant for his dullness, and that was just her hair; the rest of her brought unbelievable strength and courage. He couldn’t have any of that, couldn’t have her. After all, he knew better than that. He knew much better, and still he’d allowed himself to slip a bit. He could have stopped it, right?</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>SLAM</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus blinked. He hadn’t even noticed that he’d come into the bedroom he and Sirius had shared. Sirius had been gone for a year now, but it was still his. Sirius had a way of making a mark that Remus never could. Remus was too thoughtless to make any meaningful mark on the world. He had been so wrapped up that he slammed the door without even realizing it. </span>
  <em>
    <span>This is why I’m doomed. This is why I can’t have anything remotely good. I’m too dangerous, too inherently violent. There’s a way to stop this. There’s a way to make everything go away, for the better of everyone involved. It was a way that would ensure Remus wouldn’t harm another creature ever again, wouldn’t taint anything not meant to be corrupted, and he would be free. There was a way to finally be free of this world and everything in it, and it was so simple.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Tis a gift to be simple, tis a gift to be free</span>
  </em>
  <span>…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The little nursery rhyme played through his head. It served to help him find his resolve. Remus would find a way to make his answer happen, and it was for the best. No one needed him anymore, surely. He’d done enough harm: offered hope when he shouldn’t have, defended a man when he should have listened to Harry’s concerns. Now he was determined to right those wrongs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The Order didn’t need a werewolf. The Order didn’t need him at all. He offered no one any real good. Harry deserved a better memory of his parents, and he would have that in those who were left. He didn’t need another person seeing James whenever he came into view. He didn’t need someone who desperately clung to him instead of being a reliable, competent adult. Harry deserved Sirius, or really any of James and Lily’s other friends. They’d know how to help. All Remus could do was pretend to know what he was doing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lot of good that did. After he was gone, everything would be better. Really, all he had to do was choose how to end it. Then the where and when. He’d make it as simple as possible for everyone, and it would be a blessing rather than just another mess to mop up. He could do that for them. Remus could make it easier to let go of dead, useless weight instead of pretending he was important.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yes, this would be the death of him. Finally, as he deserved. It would be what everyone else deserved as well, one last thing he could do that would be good.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The first thing would be to write a letter and allow them to distribute what little he had to wherever they saw fit. If Remus’ belongings weren’t needed by the Order, he’d prefer them to be donated. Well, it didn’t matter much. He’d be long gone. In any case, the others would do what was best, what was right. Once he’d gotten that all down, it would be time to Apparate to the forest just outside of London the Order had set up for his </span>
  <em>
    <span>furry little problem</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He knew for a fact that where he was going there’d be no body to recover, and that would make everything simpler. They didn’t need to bury Remus, didn’t need any ceremony at all if they didn’t see it fit. He didn’t mind. Really, he was ambivalent to a funeral. He didn’t quite deserve one, being a werewolf and useless “soldier”.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was for the best this way. The peace of it settled inside Remus as he set down the quill and looked over his words. They’d understand and grieve as good people do, then they’d be grateful he was gone. This was the right thing to do.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Remus?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He jolted at the sound of Tonks’ voice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Remus stared at her, thinking it would be the last time he could look at her. Tonks’ hair was a deep magenta, and there were dark shadows under her eyes. How could it be that she was so beautiful it hurt him to look? Her aura was drawing him in as it did every time. She took his breath away by being, stole thoughts from his mind and left him entirely blank. For now, it would be best if he turned from her, would be best that she have an uncomplicated last memory of him. Even so, he couldn’t look away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just thought I’d check on you,” she said, and stepped towards him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh.” Remus blinked at Tonks as she approached. “I’m fine, really. You don’t have to worry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I do worry, Remus.” Tonks looked so troubled and sad. His heart, already bleeding for the two men he’d needed most in his life, cracked in two. He should have seen it from the beginning, should have seen the duller tones in her hair, the lack of light in her eyes, the ghost of a smile pretending to be more...but he was selfish, after all. All Remus had noticed was that she was there, that he could comfort himself in her presence if he let himself. He could rectify that one last time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I worry about you,” he said. “Can I get you anything?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no. Molly’s seen to me, but said you’d just gone upstairs.” Tonks simply stared as he tried to come up with something to say. It felt like she was analyzing him with the bold staring. No one but Sirius had ever looked at him like that, but the difference was striking. Her eyes were dark and gentle. Sirius’ eyes were light and piercing. Finally, she spoke. “You’re not fine, Remus.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am, really.” He tried to show his sincerity.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you?” Tonks took a chair from the vanity and brought it closer to sit by him. “How?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tonks, I’m much older than you,” Remus began. “I saw the first war with all of those awful deaths. Unfortunately, I’m well-used to the feeling of grief. I know how to handle it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think you do.” Remus could do nothing but stare at Tonks, and she glanced at the desk. “What’s this you’re writing?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before he could react, the last letter he’d ever pen was in her hand and she was reading it. He saw the dulled magenta fade from her hair, watched the deep blue sprout from her roots and spread down the locks of hair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Remus, you can’t do this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tonks, please—”</span>
</p><p><span>“You can’t do this.” Tonks’ voice barely rose, but the tone was so forceful that the words dried in Remus’ throat. “Swear to me you’ll not do what you’ve written down.”</span><span><br/>
</span> <span>“I can’t do that.” Remus shook his head. “I can’t keep pretending that I’m useful, that I’m good for the Order, good for another war. I’m not.”</span></p><p>
  <span>“You’re good for me.” Tonks seemed so serious he nearly believed her. Of course, he knew better. He’d simply have to persuade her she was wrong. She’d see it if he offered the reasoning, he knew. She was far too clever not to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No,” he said, and put his face in his hands. “Love, I’m not good for you. I’m not...this is ridiculous.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” Now Tonks’ volume did rise. Significantly. “You are a good man, Remus.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not even a man.” He stood up and began pacing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re a lycanthrope. You’re not a monster! You’re just sick.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just a furry little problem, is it?” Remus laughed darkly. “It’s not. You know better, Tonks, you’re much more intelligent than this. I am a monster, I am dangerous, and I’m no fucking good.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re WRONG!” Tonks shouted. Both of them stood in silence as they stared at each other.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please understand,” Remus began gently before swallowing hard. “I will not survive this war. There’s no point to dragging this out any longer. Death, Tonks...it’s coming for me. It’s going to find me one way or another. Why drag it out? I can’t live like this!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We all have a battle to fight, Remus. In this war, in our minds, in our hearts. Who can guarantee that I will survive? That’s no reason to give up now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have werewolf blood in my veins, and you can’t make it go away. That makes it different.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love is stronger than any kind of blood destiny or whatever foolishness this is. Didn’t Dumbledore teach you anything?” Tonks demanded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dumbledore taught me he could be horrifyingly wrong.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Forgive him for it, but don’t forget what’s happened. We can all be wrong. Hold out for just a moment, until we find the ground under our feet, without Dumbledore.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Without him? We’re as good as dead, Tonks!” Remus cried. “The tension is so high I can’t bear it!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We will find our own way! If there was something Dumbledore did, it was show us we’re stronger together. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Together</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Remus. Not separately.” She had tears slipping down her cheeks, her deep oak eyes bright with fury and sorrow. “Don’t do this. Don’t you </span>
  <em>
    <span>dare</span>
  </em>
  <span> give up.”</span>
</p><p><span>“Why shouldn’t I?” Remus finally shouted. There was a scream inside, one he just couldn’t hide anymore. He couldn’t hear himself think. He couldn’t bring himself to care anymore; it was all so worthless, all so in vain. “Why the hell should I bloody stay? Stay here, alone? Stay here, without anything left?”</span><span><br/>
</span> <span>“That’s bullshit, Remus!” Tonks shouted back, crumpling the letter in her fist. “You’re full of shit! Harry is here. The Weasleys are here. Moody is here! Damn you, Remus, </span><em><span>I’m here</span></em><span>.”</span></p><p>
  <span>Remus didn’t know what to say. He’d seen her, lovely and bright in the face of ultimate darkness. He couldn’t deny the attraction, the slow burn he felt for her. Suddenly, she took out her wand and tapped it to the letter he’d written. He watched as the parchment burst into flames, curling into a black ball on the floor as she dropped it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t do this,” Tonks hissed.“Do not leave, not when Harry or anyone else needs you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No one needs me,” Remus insisted. Tonks shook her head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>wrong</span>
  </em>
  <span>. If I’m wrong and no one else needs you, </span>
  <em>
    <span>I need you</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” Tonks wiped her eyes, took a deep breath. “Come downstairs and have something to eat. There’s work to be done.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She held out a hand, and Remus took it. He let her lead him downstairs, even though he could still feel his fate.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I will not survive this war.</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>As stated in the beginning, this was inspired by a lovely song! The lyrics come from <a href="https://genius.com/Daughtry-death-of-me-lyrics"> genius.com </a>. You can also listen to the song <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ycmPEls1GUU"> here </a></p><p>Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoy the rest of the fics in WS Hurt Fest! It was a pleasure to write, and I hope to do so again &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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